We now have a Wii. Or should I say more correctly that the Wii has us. By the proverbial short and curlies. Now I have been anti computer games for most of my life. As far as I was concerned my children would have to be in their late teens before I acquiesced to purchase them a mind-numbing, muscle dysmorphing computer game. But alas, in the constant compromising and selling out that is parenthood (at least in my case) we got a Wii. Really I just wanted the Wii Fit, in a delusional thought that I would be able to get fit 'in the comfort of my own home' rather than try to go walking with a 2 & 4 year old in tow. Of course, the reality is so vastly different from the dream. I have exercised twice in the month we’ve had it, yet the Wii has kindly advised that we (primarily the 4 year old) has now played Super Mario Bros Kart 600 times. I’m not sure whether they are congratulating us for that or admonishing me for allowing my son to play their game so many times. It could very well be the latter. The Wii Fit is astonishingly passive aggressive. Really , it is.
The second time I managed to wangle myself an hour on the Wii Fit one of the first messages was ‘Hooli (my Mii), have you been busy?’ Translation: it’s been a week you slack bitch, where have you been? And any time that you end an exercise session early you get a ‘hooli, is there something wrong’ – so not only are you remonstrated for not finishing what you’ve started, you now feel bad for hurting the Wii’s feelings! Like they have any! Seriously,you might as well get a Catholic priest or a Rabbi to be your personal trainer if you want to be motivated by that level of guilt. And the rating system is also fantastic for your self-esteem (just as catholicism is, not!). Apparently my ability to hoola hoop, follow a step routine, and knock out a punching bag is rated at a level called 'simmering fire'. This would be fine as a porn name or lap dancer name (now there's a new Wii Fit game potential, along with pole dancing ... hmmmm) - but as a level of skill it leaves a little to be desired. I wonder what the top level is? 'Catastrophic Fireball'?
Wii’s are a very good way of determining if your child(ren) have addictive personalities. There are many signs. If you are awoken pre-dawn by a little voice in your ear saying ‘please Mummy, can I play Mario’ then you have an addict on your hands (as well as an insomniac). If a voice comes from the backseat when you are driving and tells you to mount the kerb and hit the wheelie bin because it will earn you 10 points, then you have an addict. If they count down 3,2,1 Go at traffic lights you have an addict. You might as well enrol them in rehab now.
But I confess that the addiction doesn’t stop with the kids. One reason (that I’m sticking to) for not using the Wii Fit more often is that the room in which we have it doesn’t have enough space. I am constantly having to move the balance board to accommodate the activity. If the exercise requires hands in the air I have to manoeuvre the board away from the low lying ceiling fan (admittedly I am partial to my fingers remaining attached to my hands). If the exercise requires lying down, I have to move it away from the walls. The sign of addiction? Not only completely rearranging the furniture in the room to accommodate the Wii but rearranging rooms throughout your house. And then considering that maybe you’ll have to move house. It won’t be long till new display homes have ‘Wii Rooms’ as well as the now ubiquitous ‘Theatre Rooms’. Believe me, if you can have display homes with handbasins inbuilt into hallway walls, then ‘Wii Rooms’ aren’t that far fetched. Ridiculous yes, but far-fetched? Probably not.
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